I feel that my days at this church are numbered. What I fear for a long long time is happening. I once promised myself that I wouldn’t put myself in this situation and I somehow knew that this could happen. I am being forced out of this fellowship, this church because of my opponents’ fear, guilt, immaturity and may I say, lack of Christian characteristics.
This had happened to my sister about a decade ago. We were all at the church my father was pastoring and my sister was very active in her fellowship but then my father was ousted by the deacons. It was actually just a few of the deacons but they were very powerful and my father did not think it was worth it to stand his ground, he didn’t feel he had the energy to rebuild the church.
What happened to my sister was really cruel. They stopped calling her. She was very active, helping out with everything and all of a sudden she was dropped like an old broken toy. I think it was very harmful to her emotionally and mentally. She suddenly lost many friends and a community.
However, there were times when a few people at the old fellowship would bump into her outside of church and happily greet her and even called others to meet up together.
But, eventually the relationship drifted. And it’s weird and sad. I still find myself feeling weird seeing those people at that church even after so many years. At first I would greet them when I see them, say hi to them even when they don’t see me, but it came to a point where I felt really tire and if they don’t see me I wouldn’t bother to go say hi to them. And they were just having their normal life which we are not included while we suffered a lot of pain and isolation.
At at the back of my mind, I thought to myself, if these little idiotic things didn’t happen, life would be normal, we would be still be together. These experience are really unfair and painful for the pastor’s kids, we are really the innocent ones being hurt really bad. And I didn’t know what really hit us until afterward and I just didn’t understand.
Anyway, I think that’s where I am at now. I am being assaulted by enemy at the church I had devoted and love so much. It’s painful, very painful. It’s betrayal. And the funny thing is, it actually helps me to understand Jesus and his betrayal more. Being the pastor’s kid, you get a lot of opportunities to serve and attention as well. But once my father was ousted, I was kind of there being left to dry out. However, if people didn’t attack me, it would’ve been okay.
I have seen pastor’s kid who stayed at the church even after their parents left and were okay because people didn’t take their grudge against them as well, but my situation is different. One is that I am not a kid, second because I am opinionated and I do speak my mind and I do think they are doing wrong and misleading people with the Bible in order to have control over the fellowship and church.
For me, it is like having my heart being ripped out from my body. There is a lot of emotional pain that I know will last and scar me for life. I had experienced this before. I have seen it before. And this is actually one of the reasons I don’t blame other pastor’s kids for leaving the church, hating God, their parents for being pastors and etc. I understand, I understand totally and it makes it so much worst if you scold that they are being disobedient and defiance to God and their parents.
I have learned that it’s not God’s fault that people are shitty, mean, barbaric, murderous and etc. We are just crap, human beings are pretty shitty. We are sinful and that’s why we need God so much.
I know pastor’s kids who left church. They actually tried going to another church but it didn’t work out and a lot of times it is because people don’t understand them and distance themselves from them, excluding them. They are hard to understand, I am hard to understand. We are very different, I am very different from my peers. I have pastor’s kids friends who were fantastic people who because of hurt at the church left the church, drifted and at the moment, hate God. It pains me. It pains me because they are my friends, they are my buddies, they are good people, they are good decent people who are misunderstood, abused and neglected. I know their parents as well, and they are wonderful people. They are not perfect people (who is) but they are good people with good intentions.
Funny thing for me is, I kind of foreseen that I might have to leave this church eventually for my own sake. My pastor friends have gave me advice. I had read books. I knew from my previous experience that leaving is a very real possibility but I probably never imagined that it would be this ugly, and that I would be forced through very evil means that are intended to hurt me tremendously. I feel betrayed. I am also at a state of disbelief especially when I look back at how long I have been at this church, how many hours and experience we had spent together and how I had put my heart into this church. It is mind-boggling and confusing.
It helps that I started going to other churches for spiritual support and sustainability. Earlier on I went to some of my friends’ churches, went to their fellowship. At times I go to an English speaking church where I find the people to have a similar background being from overseas. I can share and communicate quite freely. I also goes to a Chinese church which my friend invited me to where I am free of the church political baggage and attacks. It helps me, it shows me something is seriously wrong with the church I care and most concerned about. It’s unnatural.
However there is this problem. Should I confront or not? They know what they are doing, they know it’s wrong but there is really nobody to confront them so they really are being sinfully arrogant. It doesn’t help the church if I leave. It actually encourages them to do wrong and do more wrong, it also tells the younger people that this is acceptable behaviour, when it is absolutely unacceptable.
That’s the very reason we have laws, law enforcers, judges and the whole judicial and criminal systems in place in society. Yes, the Bible tells us not to judge one another but we don’t live in a perfect world, we are living in a broken world. We also have a responsibility to uphold justice, to do right, to suppress evil as much as we humanly can.
I think I can talk to church leaders, deacons, supervising pastors and inform other leaders and pastors about the problems I see, and then it is really up to them, their sense of responsibility to do what should be done. I don’t have high hope because I see and know of the weaknesses of human beings. We don’t like to take risk, we don’t like to sacrifice, we don’t want to be unpopular. We all want to benefits from others. We are all fearful of personal cost. We are very weak. And all this reminds me of what the Psalmist said in Psalm 119:45:
New Living Translation (NLT)
I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments.
When we fully surrender ourselves to God, we then can be free to do all good that is possible in God’s grace. A lot of time we can’t, we are not free because we are fearful, not fearful of God but of others, of what others might do to us. Or what would be waiting for us if we do follow God and do good. Being able to walk in freedom doesn’t mean it’s going to be great, a nice smooth ride, I think this verse means being free under the guidance of God where you are free to do God’s command.
Pastor's Kid Diary 