Choosing

It was a bit difficult choosing which church to go to this morning. I was thinking whether I was going to my old church and starting with eating breakfast with my friends or going to the new church. I made a decision to move on this year but it was still difficult this morning and I was a bit emotional as I was just standing there at the station.

I felt like crying, I felt my eyes watering.

I hate it that it has to come to this.

There are many strange faces, new faces at the new church. I thought a bit about how I basically knew everybody at my old church. I could pretty much talk to everybody who isn’t against me. I know what is going on behind the curtain, I know all the cliques. I know what the problems are. And there was some anger in me. I really hate the behaviour of people who have made it so difficult for me to go back to my old church and how they have ruin my relationships with many brothers and sisters I used to be good friends with. I felt angry because it is just so unfair and how evil it is. It killed my life at this church and although it was never a perfect or even a great church to begin with, I did fall in love with the people there. I did invest my youthful years there, most of my 20s there. We had a great time. I had ups and downs. I invested so much there emotionally, spiritually and in time, sweats and tears.

I thought about my friends there. They should be freed. They should get out. I thought about them because I felt and still feel like by leaving I am somewhat abandoning them. For a long time I was there fighting and caring a lot, taking a lot of emotional toll on me because I felt I had to be there to protect them, to keep them safe. I tried my best but people were trying to destroy me behind my back.

A lot of people know it was wrong but they kept quiet. They don’t want to confront, be part of the problem, don’t want stress. I know in my heart that it would not have come to this if they voiced out.

I felt and I knew I need to do this, to move on. Many people had told me to leave long ago, as early as 2011 when I shared this dilemma and the problems I was having at church with them. My former pastor told me to think of it as starting another journey with God.

I went to eat McDonald’s for Big Breakfast, something I haven’t done in a while, reading a book, taking my time. Then I went to church, I was early so I thought I could do some grading in the library but I bumped into my former small group leader’s wife and we started chatting and then the intern from seminary came over and we all started chatting. Before I knew it, it was time for service and I bumped into the couple who used to me small group leaders two years ago. We started chatting, catching up and sat together.

Good worship, good sermon. Afterwards, saw an old friend who came back from Australia and we all had lunch together.

I thought about what it would be like at my old church. Breakfast with friends and then we just scattered after service. It would be a bit awkward at lunch. For some strange reasons, everybody is colder now. I don’t know why.

I am not really asking for much really from my church life really. A place where I can use my gifts and talents to serve others. I don’t want a fight, I don’t want a battle, I don’t want war.

I know some people at my old church are trying to get me out by excluding me because I know to much, I know too much of their crap, I know what the did and they are trying really hard to cover things up, suppressing me, isolating me.

Yesterday my small group at my new church went to open day at ABS seminary and the attitude was so different from my old church where people are just scared to be exposed to things that might make their life complicated. People from the small group were absorbing the talks from the service and workshop. And I was like, yea, that’s what I had been trying to tell these people at my old church. The attitude is like polar opposite. These guys are open-minded and motivated to learn. All of them take courses out of their own free time not because people told them to but because they felt they should and that it would help with their service at church.

They are not perfect but the attitude is just so different.

In a way, maybe God is leading me to this new church which I have been going for over 2 years now. It’s actually quite a journey that I am even going to this church. I feel welcomed, accepted. I have people who could walk with me on this spiritual walk. I don’t feel like I have to fight every step of the way. Even though at service I still remembered my old church, I still prayed for my old church, but if people there are making it a point to make sure I can’t serve and be suppressed, maybe God is telling me to go somewhere else where He can use me better.

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