As a pastor’s kid, even as an adult, I do get treated very differently. I think I am basically more friendly and more inviting than the average joe going to my church. And I probably try harder at making people feel welcomed but it has got to a point where I realize that I don’t really want to welcome people to my church. I am not proud of my church and at this point, this isn’t a church where I would want my friend or anybody to go to.
This church is just not working and it’s not just me who feel this way, many people feel the same way.
I also realize that most people don’t ask to much of themselves or the church. A lot of people are here looking for things, getting stuff and not contributing. It’s okay to be looking for God, meaning, etc at church, that’s what church is about but many people are actually quite selfish in their endeavours at church, to the point that church is being killed. Some people are looking for boyfriends, religious service, love, to be cared for etc, somewhat normal but when these things become the focus, the church is just not working then.
I was at the mall at Mongkok where some of us were performing Christmas Carol. It was a big deal even though we didn’t really draw a crowd. I was listening, supporting yet at the same time, I find it so meaningless and so phony in a sense. It looked good, they looked good, they sounded good and pretty but so what? I saw some of us sitting there, supporting, hanging out, great, but at the same time, there was a sadness. The wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, fathers and mothers and friends of performers were there taking pictures. We were quite proud of ourselves. We like being in the spotlight. A few of us weren’t really that happy. Our church’s best musical talents were there in their shining glory. But what are we really accomplishing. We have a broken church. Even if we would reach people at the mall, great, I don’t want them to come to my church. That’s, to me, is such a tragedy.
Here we are, in our glory, in all our prettiness, proudly being presented but we are broken inside. I just find it a bit meaningless. I am probably being a bit pathetic, but I am thinking how we are doing all these shiny stuff while we never cleaned up our church. It’s like a building with great decoration and exterior, looking very impressive on the outside but inside it is not renovated and a mess, unwelcoming of guess.
We put on a smile, a happy face but inside we are a mess. We are just holding it in.
During lunch I talked to our new pastor and past mentors about the problem we have at the fellowship. I was very frank, we were very frank with her. I probably said too much about resistant of fellowship, maybe I talked to much that would’ve changed her approach and confident to do good. I know Joey will be meeting with her later. I hope she wouldn’t change for the bad or be intimidated. I thought about Joey and Kath and the Bible study I led, I realized that they were quite intentionally. Joey waited until near the end to talk. I noticed that. The thing about Joey and Kath is that despite being at church for over a decade, their biblical knowledge is very shallow, they are not spiritual people, they assume many things based on their own knowledge and reasoning. Joey is smart with waiting for others to speak, waiting for my explanation, analyse them, reprocess them and then summerize them.
I think of Siu Wai as well and what they are doing. They are not innocent and they can’t be thinking in the right mind. I still don’t get how all these people could get into sinning. I think I am the most realistic person. I know what’s happening and I know what’s going to happen.