Recently, I find there a drift between some of us. I had struggled and tried to gather some of my closest friends at church and to tell them what really happened, but I feel that they don’t really want to know. They made excuses not being to make it.
And now, I just kind of gave up on calling them. And this is quite disappointing. I totally feel disrespected because they would choose to meet up with others but when I requested them, they don’t, and I had been for them in the past.
I know they care for me and made effort to be with me and comfort me but recently there is a drift. Friends who I used to talk to everyday or every other day, we just don’t talk anymore, or talking is just not easy. I say hi, but I think there is something underneath.
The other thing is the group that we had, I think we all knew something was wrong with the leadership, we all knew that it was wrong but I think how we react to it has changed.
I also know that FY and other leaders have been talking to them. I don’t know what they said but basically they have gotten quite defensive of the leadership when I talk to them about the problems and what we should do.
I am sure they might think that I might confront the leadership and so they are trying to stand aside so if things go back, I might be part of a blow out but they wouldn’t. That’s just me guessing. They don’t want to be in danger.
But I guess they don’t know how bad this situation is with the leadership. People are being lied to, misled, hurt and excluded.
I am sure that S is probably scare, he doesn’t want any part of that. And for a long time I was afraid of what’s going to happen, but I am not that scare anymore. Now my thinking is, what the worst they can do to me? Exclude me? They already have done that. Kick me out of church? That’s would make them look evil. I got more shit on them than they have anything on me. They hate me just because I am the PK of the pastor they ousted.
What the worst they can do to me? Kill me? That’s not going to happen so there’s nothing to be afraid of. I can always go to another church, but what I can’t stand is having this abusive leadership here.
I have been contemplating to confront them and I have told my closest friends about it. I know that the atmosphere had changed. About a year ago, I asked one of the past mentor what I should do, and she told me to confront and make it clear, not the tone is different. I was given the message, by several people, that even if I talk to the leadership honestly and candidly, it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t change a thing. A pastor also told me this.
It’s probably because some people have attempted or tested the water. And I am probably the worst person to confront the problem. I am already viewed as the enemy. But, for me, if soft tactic, being honest, loving and caring not going to help, I think blunt honesty might have to be used. I mean, use all channels. If talking with respect and love not going anywhere, than let’s try hard tactic.
And by excluding me, they basically are helping me because I have less and less to lose. And I am very uncomfortable with myself that I haven’t tried this yet. I cannot stand for this abusive leadership to be there and affecting all these people I love.
It is killing me. It’s painful to watch how my friends are being discouraged, distorted, lied to, being controlled and manipulated.
If people are not going to be logical and sensible, if the western way is not going to work, then maybe the Chinese way will work.
It just can’t get anymore ugly. I rather go freaking ugly, blow up, and then things going better, then decades of suppressed ugliness.