It’s hard to let go.
I am still angry, upset and disappointed, and it hasn’t stop. They have influenced my friends with the saying, “做返好自己, 按照神的心意去做.” It basically mean, don’t care about what others are doing, just be good yourself, according to God’s will. Literally it means, “go back in being good, follow God’s heart to do it.”
There are several problem with this thinking. Even before explaining the context, what the heck does this mean? “做返好自己, 按照神的心意去做.” So 做返好自己, does that mean you weren’t good before? You have to “return” or “go back” to being your good self?? Follow God’s heart to do it. Okay, great.
And what is the context and why are some of the leaders preaching this? They know they shitted. They know they did something sinful and wrong. 之前所有做錯的事或錯的概念, 讓它過去, 從今天開始做返好自己, 按照神的心意去做.
The whole line, literally means “The things that were done wrong and the faulty views, let them go (pass). From today on, return to being your good self after God’s heart.”
Of course they want it to pass, put it under the rug, forget about it, the sooner the better. That is the context. However, the poor kids don’t know what’s behind the scene.
However, have they stopped doing what is wrong? Have they stopped division, favouritism and etc? No. Are they still trying to control? No, no and yes.
I am still being excluded by some leaders. People are a bit afraid of me not because I am wrong but because of who I am. I wonder if they believe in the same God as I do. Do we believe in the same God?
I realize the this church and some of its people are driving me crazy and I need to either change myself or change the environment. I have contemplating this for a very long time and I am tilting towards changing the environment to give myself a break for the time being.
I think what I will do is be less involved in ministry at this church and only do what I enjoy. I will not force myself to do what I think might hurt myself or require much emotional strength. At the same time, I will be going to another church for godly Bible studies and sermons.
It’s heart breaking. Because it is unfair and unjust. I didn’t do anything wrong but I am treated as if I am a criminal to be excluded. I can see how people are creating a distance between me and them. People are afraid and I am limited too because what I am seeing is that they would actually try to influence the people I am close with. They are afraid of me probably telling the truth to them. I am under close watch. They are just crooked. They do not care about others’ but more about their status and power.
The sister, who is also a deacon, had said during baptism that “we are selfish…”. Damn right. They know what they are doing is wrong and that is why they are trying hard to hide it, put it under the rug. They are scare for the annual AGM. They scheduled the Family Meeting at a hideous at a date and time that many could not go.
In small group, one deacon’s wife said she was stressed about the upcoming AGM. And I thought to myself, “If everything was done right, with nothing to hide, why would AGM be stressful.”
Come to think of it, they are just so crafty and united to think of such good slogan.
“錯的概念, 讓它過去, 從今天開始做返好自己, 按照神的心意去做.”
The problem is, do they know what’s God’s heart is? They haven’t been doing that in the past, what would make them do that in the future?