People ask me and I could taste the suspicion in their voice. “Why do you pick a seat by yourself? Was 28B taken?”
“It was taken when I tried to select it so I pick a window seat.”
I don’t know why I have answer these questions and I think I take a lot of craps like this and I usually react pretty nicely. Sometimes I do get a bit sick of being a bit too nice and calm to people when I feel like they don’t deserve it or when they are suspicious of me without proper reasons to.
It’s hard being the pastor’s kid even as an adult. There is just a lot of judgement and unwanted attention. I would be a lot happier, really, at church if I am not a pastor’s kid. The other thing is that it is very difficult for others to understand what’s going on with me.
Outwardly, a lot of people think I am playful, happy, a bit childish, naive, simple and immature. I seem to be childish and immature because I laugh, smile and like to make fun of others in a friendly way and make jokes. It’s my personality. I am expressive. I think people are kind of weird or abnormal if they don’t talk or be expressive with their emotions.
There was a time when I was kind of like that, being quiet and being very careful with what I say. I still do, but that’s another side of me. They just don’t know that behind this childish and playful behaviour is a massive amount of crap I have to hold within myself.
The thing is PK like me is that I know a lot of things about the church and its people. Yesterday I was talking about some church mates about ministry and fellowship. They would guess at why something happen or have their own insight to what was happening at church which are wrong and I would know exactly the reasons for those things but I can’t them, at least not yet.
I know the inside story but I can’t tell anybody. It’s hard for me to reveal to others about the ugly side of church, the church politics, the power struggles and fight and things that go on in the back.
I gave a few people my serious look when they asked about what was happening at church and when they asked me how I feel about my father leaving church. I learned to never mention names, but just keep things general.
I talked about it in a very professional way, and tried to keep a smile but in truth I am still angry and upset and disappointed.
I still have to correct their thinking. One sister said that the church shouldn’t be hiring so many clergy staff with the number of people dropping. She even told me that she considered leaving and joining another church. I told her that’s not good thinking, they should put more resource when a church is not doing well.
The background is how our church have been trying to hire pastors for so long with no results and now we have pastors like my dad and others leaving. This church has been overworking pastors and overburden them with responsibilities that affect their effectiveness in ministry. They couldn’t concentrate in one or two ministries and nurture a few fellowships.
Instead, they should hire more pastors if they want church to get better.