January 28th 2012

Last night I was at a Chinese New Year gathering at a couple’s place who were our fellowship’s mentor in the recent past. They left a few months ago and most people were pretty sad about it. There were no reason, but just that she was tire and had to lighten her load since she was going to become deacon.

They were few of the good people at church. There are just too few of them at this church. We don’t have a culture of good. Those in power are the bad people, the corrupted ones. Why can’t we have good people up in the deacon board?

I wonder what kind of leader or pastor this place needed? A charismatic leader? An enthusiastic leader? But then I thought to myself, wasn’t my dad charismatic? Wasn’t another pastor who left very enthusiastic?

Or do they need a very strong charactered leader? Or very relational? Well, I know at least 2 that left were very relational, very social. One even went out of his way to get flight ticket and concert tickets for others.

I have come to the conclusion that it’s not the pastors’ problem, it’s the congregation’s layman leadership.

There are good people but they hide from the deacon board, anywhere where annoying people are. I guess people you don’t want to upset.

And I wonder how long this state will last.

Anyway, back to last night.

They were nice to me. Most of them, I guess, could see that I have been upset the past few months or so. A bit weird and to tell the truth I haven’t been myself for a long time. Yet, even when I smile, it’s a bit forced. I am pretending to be okay. Inside me there is bitterness, anger and etc. I don’t think we have enough pure givers. The two mentors were washing all the dishes, serving us. A bunch of us were just sitting there. I was a bit upset about that, especially the girls. It’s the other way around in Australia or US or an English church. In Chinese we have a term and it would be “No big, no small,” which translates into “not knowing where you are at” or “not respecting the elders or others’ position.”

I don’t like that culture very much. We are a bit spoiled really. I don’t think I am but others are. I give out a lot. Probably a lot more than is required.

I learned about being a realist at this church. It’s all about power, position, relationship, social standing, who you know, your degrees and income. People are shallow.

It’s like, you are who you are with. Very shallow things that are against my beliefs.

Back to that night, there were things that I will probably never tell them and those things separate us. I know that their relatives and close friends committed crime against God and my family. They did wrong, even though now I am probably a little more understanding of them. They were put into a difficult situation. I am particularly upset at how they systematically changed structure of the fellowship, played favoritism and exclusion, spread rumors and etc. Tried to marginalize (isolate) and those close to me. In short, they crossed the line big time. I am not sure if most of them knew what they were doing were wrong. I think most were manipulated with the schemers with the most responsibility since they knew and intentionally manipulated and misled others.

I wonder if they, the one who were with me last night knew.

I live in a much different world from them. We live in a different worlds. I know they care for me, even love me,  but it is just so hard. Maybe they feel sorry for them. But at the same time, I think they should also feel sorry for themselves. There is no winner.  I know people close to them who have done something terribly wrong and against my parents. They are mean to my parents and have lied and done terrible things. They hurt us but at the same time they are also hurting themselves, it is just that they don’t know it yet. The best thing to do is to not say anything but I can’t deny that there is a barrier in between and I do want to talk it out.

I can’t do much about it. They are like innocent bystander or civilian (so am I) between the enemy.

I guess I don’t feel like myself because over half the time I am pretending to be alright when I am not. I am a little frightened. They treat me like a kid at times, and when they do, I respond likewise. I am afraid to make deeper relationship. Yet part of me want to hold on because I did invest in them. I did invest probably my golden years with them.

This experience has taught me to be more of a realist, which I try to be despite my parents’ idealistic, spiritual, naive and optimistic view of things. I don’t think they can understand me, we have different, very different background. For them there is always hope. And to a certain point, they can not understand my view and position.

The realist thinking is that I have to leave. And the only exception will be if something changes around, if something change.

Where my parents have more of a full-of-faith, optimistic view that things can still turn out okay, I, even earlier on, had more of a grim view of things. I was more on survival mode.

I had a good time tonight, even thought it was short. Sometimes I feel like I was just

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