Sometimes I wonder if I am just putting myself in bad situation, like, why did I go to my dad’s church in the first place? Why did I let myself fall in love? And I knew this too.

About 5 years ago I was going to another church for small group and attending my dad’s church as well. I used to go to this small community church on Thursday night and then go to small group on Friday and service on Saturday or Sunday at my dad’s church. I was asked my the fellowship head leader to be small group leader right after my first half year at the fellowship but I refused saying that I didn’t know if I was going to stay. The fellowship head leader was my first friend at the fellowship and probably the only one who reached out to me. He was more friendly and genuine than the others, and I had a few genuine moments with him.

I was asked again the next year and refused again. I was asked to be fellowship committee representative of the fellowship and I agreed not knowing what I just signed up for. It was my toughest year at church. It was during fellowship committee meeting that I realized that I couldn’t trust one of the pastors. At first I had a good impression of him and thought we were like-minded. I think we were at first, we do share some beliefs and some politics issues but later on, for unknown reasons which I could only guess at, he somewhat had a grudge against me.

He distrusted me and my fellowship. He didn’t respect me all that much and we couldn’t really communicate because I think he had a view of me which wasn’t accurate. I knew, from his words, that he believed in some rumors about my dad. I should’ve rebuke or corrected him right there but I was a little surprised. It was in fellowship committee that I really got to know who he is. He isn’t a genuine person and I believe he believed in too many gossips.

My fellowship at the time was considering splitting to two days, Friday and Saturday to suit people’s long working hours. The pastor freaked out about it and we talked about this during the meeting but he wouldn’t talk directly about what was bothering him. He threatened to report to the deacon board when we were still confused about what the problem was and he wouldn’t say it. He later changed the fellowship committee meeting minutes and that was just a weird move and we questioned it.

At the same time, I was being asked by the fellowship head to become a church member quite consistently. I didn’t know it at the time but I later found out that because I was a non-member of the church, the pastor had raised concern. However, there was another member of the fellowship committee who wasn’t a church member either but there was no discussion about her. I was being discriminated against.

That was the toughest time for me but I think now it is even worst. That was in 2008-9. At that time, I knew that I still had the support of my fellowship and only that pastor was acting wacko. Now, in 2011, I can say that two deacons from my fellowship do not like me.


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