I often feel I lost some joy at church. I can’t be like the others. I don’t get nurtured all that much. I don’t get nurtured by pastors or mentors all that much because I am a pastor’s kid. There’s always seem to be an invisible wall between me and others. It’s unhealthy and I know it.
I was forced to grow faster and sometimes I feel like I lost a bit of church childhood in a sense. I did have a happy childhood growing in church but even at a very young age I couldn’t help but notice how my siblings and I were at times treated differently. A boy from a family that didn’t like my dad very much said something awful to my sister which made her cry.
We get that sometimes, even when as adult. I get mistreated by people, deacons and even pastors who have different opinion from my father. I do my best to treat people respectfully and in a civil way but you don’t always get the same treatment back. There was this one pastor who just wouldn’t say hi to me when I greet him. Another who would act nice in front of others when with me but would not even look at me when I say hi to him on the street consistently.
If I could say anything to them, I would tell them to “grow up”. I treat their sons and daughters like friends and buddies. I separate the issues. I don’t mix church politics with children. I think that’s cruel and immoral, unloving and against God’s command.
These are just things we get to learn about. The reality and cruelty of the world in church. We learned early on that God’s command is being constantly broken at church, maybe even more so than at work. The worst is that we, Christians, should know better. We are even more guilty because we violate what we know. The non-Christians don’t know but we do. Some are even teaching them.
Pastor’s kids feel can feel very lonely at church because we don’t have anybody to turn to for these issues. For me, I am afraid of scaring my church friends with these tales or what’s actually happening behind the scene at church. It certainly doesn’t help me to bring friends to church.
For me, it’s difficult to find a pastor to talk to about issues or even to trust. Fellow pastors can be rivals and compete against one another.
I once thought I had a pastor I could look up to and share with. He looked friendly and enthusiastic at first but he changed. I am not sure if he was just pretending at first and slowly revealed to me who he is but I realized he was using me. Gradually he became rude not only to me but also to my mother and my father. It was painful because I know that we have or once had similar values.
I think he is being manipulated by another pastor as well as some deacons to behave the way he does.