Several weeks ago, I talked to close friends about what I am upset with. They asked me why I was angry at one brother for underminding the talk of a visiting speaker on devotion.

That brother, let’s call him Jay, basically sad the whole talk was rubbish and he disagreed on using methods to do devotions. He was basically inviting debate by asking everybody if they had anything to say about the talk. He just wanted to tell us what he thought of the talk.

Afterward I told him to be humble and it wasn’t right to call it rubbish especially in front of people didn’t go and couldn’t make their own decision. I told him that if he disagreed with the talk, he should’ve said something during the Q & A session.

But most of all, I think underneath, it was to undermine the authority of clergy. It probably started with MS’ gathering after the talk. What some people do is that they would critique talks and sermons afterward and MS would influence others  on his view. Jay, is probably one of the person being influenced.

I talked to my pastor friend about what is happening at much fellowship and church and he told me blankly, “It’s a toxic church. You should leave.”

 

You just know. For me I think it is a accumulation of experience than anything. that experience include Sunday school, conferences, listening to sermons over the years, reading books, studying the Bible, reading Christian literatures, being and discussing with other Christians, talking with pastors, taking courses, going to workshops and etc.

Accumulation of all these for over 20 years gives you a good sense of what’s sound theology and what’s off.

In my life, I have only found a few people my age who are as sensitive. One was Nat. He, like me, grew up at church his whole life and has just finished his master in theology at a seminary.

The level is different, much different in Hong Kong. At our church, most people did not grew up at church, at least, they did not grew up at church like us, who were at church starting primary school. We acquired a background of the Bible by the end of our primary school years. Come to think of it, Nat and I even went to private Christian school as well. That added to our Christian foundation.

The Christian perspective or narrative was already instilled in us by the time we hit our teens. We were in a Christian culture. We went to retreats and conferences in high school.

But I think the key is, we were taught. We were taught by different teachers at church, at school, seminary, conferences, retreats, books, literatures and etc. They all along with God and the Holy Spirit taught and shaped our Christian mind.

And probably the best and coolest thing was, at times in my life, I was surrounded by people who were also pursuing God with passion, like minded people. There wasn’t competition, it wasn’t like who was right or wrong, who has more knowledge and what’s not, we were all just pursuing together. We were comrades, helping one another, watching out for one another. And we were even comfortable and honest with our faults. We accepted who we are. I think that’s a big thing. We accepted who we are, we accepted one another despite of our faults.

That was a beauty.

What I find hard now and painful for me is that we don’t do that much right now. We don’t open up because we have a growing culture of being judging and criticizing one another. It is not healthy and I believe it is mainly geared towards some people, not all people.

They would actually change the whole system to kick someone out. Which is pretty horrible and cruel. But that’s what they would do.

I wonder why they have so much energy to do that? Wouldn’t it be easier to work together, to find ways to solve problems.

So what is happening at my fellowship?

What happened to my dad is that the deacon board finally did what my dad recommended when he was in office. It’s kind of an insult really. My dad worked there for almost a decade, and tried to push forward some changes. They resisted and only after he left that they did it.

It shows that they also knew that those things are good for church and was what needed yet they didn’t do it out of personal hatred. I have no idea why they had such hatred for my dad. I know why but I can’t understand how far it can go to the point where the development of the whole church stalled because of this hatred.

They gossiped a lot and harmed the ministry.

Mrs Hung is mean. And just not generous at all. I can’t believe she is a deacon.

 

你的期望要合理

當你明白神對真正團契生活的心意時，很容易對理想與你自己教會的現實之間的差距感到灰心失望。即便教會不完美，我們仍必須熱切地愛教會。渴求理想、批評現實正是不成熟的表徵。而另外一種情況是，屈就現實卻不奮力追求理想乃是安逸自滿的表現。成熟是懂得如何活在這兩種張力之間。

有些信徒會令你失望，這不應該成為你不與之團契相交的理由。即使他們的行為不像一家人，他們仍然是你的家人，因此你不能置之不理。神告訴我們： 「要彼此忍耐，以愛心互相寬容。」

人們對教會失望有許多可理解的原因，這些原因可以列成一張很長的清單：衝突、傷害、偽善、疏怱、心胸狹窄、自義和其他許多的罪。與其覺得驚訝，我們必須謹記：教會本就是由一群包括我們在內的罪人所組成的。正因為我們是罪人，便有意或無意地傷害彼此。故此，我們必須留下來，盡一切可能來努力尋求解決之道，而非離開教會。逃避沒有用，彼此和好才是邁向更堅強的品格、更深刻的團契相交之道。

稍遇失望或困惑便離開教會是不成熟的表現，神要教導你以及其他的人很多事情。再說，世上根本就沒有完美的教會，每間教會都有它的弱點和問題，因此，很快地你會再一次失望。
–標竿人生

I think the deacons got it lucky that I had a very sore throat and practically lost my voice. I actually wonder if this is a will of God to make me lose my voice. The main reason is because I have been so worn out the past 2 weeks and for the past week I slept very little because of work. From last Sunday to Tuesday I only slept about 4 hours at most.

I was upset and questioned a few things. On hiring new pastors, they cancelled the the round of interview with the hiring with the clergy staff.

I actually mentioned it during the family meeting. I guess my concern was ignored and at this AGM they just took the whole part off in broad day light. Nobody objected. Nobody said anything. The excuse is that they wanted to speed up the application process. A very lame excuse.

I see it as another manipulation by some of the deacons to more tightly control who’s going to be hire. The problem with hiring before is that a few of them were looking at pastors who would submit to them, the stronger deacons. Most people wouldn’t think about this and those who could probably don’t dare to speak up in opposition.

This is going to have future consequences. Procedure that had been set up for ages has a reason for being there. Taking the interview with the clergy is basically excluding the clergy staff from seeing and making decision on who’s getting hired.

Why did L Sir did not object. Well, he figured that if he just go along and be a “yes man,” he would get what he wanted, which is to be “ordained”. It seems to be a trade. People are getting what they want, not what’s best for the church. Selfishness. A Chinese tradition. That’s why nothing great can come out of this place. You can have leaders with the greatest dream with the people capable to making it happen but it is all in vain because there are destructive selfish people.

L Sir and his contemporary pastors share a particular problem. Many of them are phonies and I wonder if they really are serving God. They do a lot of “surface” work for others to see, to protect themselves, but not so much the “inner” work. They try more to be populist than to be men of God. Preach what people want to hear rather than what’s truthful. This is sad news in the Chinese Christian community and it is a well-known fact amongst the clergy, especially the older ones. The new and coming generation is different from the previous one. In fact, a lot of people don’t think the old way would work. I wonder at that too. People are more crooked, cruel nowadays. They are more wicked and street smart. They are less pure. How do you deal with these Christians?

The crap part is that you know it’s wrong, what is going to happen and you can’t do anything about it. It’s just crap.

There are several reasons, first being that the candidate should get to chat and get to know with the clergy staff indepedently. He can then learn about the church and the work at church the clergy staff without interference from the laymen. Secondly, the it is only fair for the clergy staff to have a time with the candidate independent of layman. Both parties can see if they can work together well and believe in the same thing or style. The same procedure had been done for years, at least for a decade, why change it now?

I am afraid of the future consequences of this change in policy. I am upset that nobody mentioned it. I am sure some people found it strange but nobody spoke up.

I still wondered why some of the moderate deacons agreed to oust my dad. It was a very bad move for the moderate deacons to agree with them because they lost a strong voice of reason. Nobody dare to speak now. The quiet moderate deacons are like workers to be used, yet at the same time, they make the decision of the deacon board look more legit because people trust them and know they are upright.  Yet their uprightness is being used for selfish means by others.

It is just so crooked.

What will be even worst is that with the pastor gone, I am not sure if they will still be treated as well as before when the other deacons wanted their support.

Poor people. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Nobody really asked questions today. Was it good? I think people were afraid or just didn’t want too much trouble or confrontation. Enoch was totally quiet. Leo made a lot of suggestion and so did Nick Wong. I wanted to too, but my voice was gone. These people who spoke up love the church. I wish there are more of them. They should be deacons. They really should.

The other group of people I feel sorry for and even responsible for would be the ones in my fellowship who do not necessarily follow and agree with Ming Sin. They are going to be like orphans now. They need a leader. They are not really being developed.

There was a question about getting a pastor to be ordinated. I think they planted it there, the same old trick had been done before. Oh my gosh. Smoke-screen. This church, I don’t know where it will go. It’s all in God’s hand  and I am pretty much leaving unless something changes.

I feel a burden, I am not sure if it is a conviction to confront.

Less than 99% of the people

The excuse for the quick exit is that the news was leaking out. Who would be the one leaking? Only the deacon boards know so it must be the deacons. And which of the deacons would be leaking the news? How did it spread?

In the deacon boards, there are basically three camps.

The first camp would be the old established deacons who are in their 50s-60s. Let’s call them the Oldies.  Most of them are quite ineffective at leaders but they like the position of being a deacon, it’s kind of a prestige. Most of them have been deacons for many years since there is no rules to stop a members from being a deacon continuously. Some of them been deacons for the last decade or more continuously.

Why are they ineffective? There are several reasons. One is that they care about their influence and power at church more than what is best for the church and its development. They don’t like anyone who would threaten their power.

They try to retain this power but keeping things the same as always. They are dominant and hard to be removed from leadership although their leadership status come more from than position as deacons and their seniority.

They are fearless and dominate with many connections in the church because of their seniority. They have some relatives at church. Their parents and their children also go to the church. So they are influential because of their connection in the church.

The other reason why they are ineffective is their age, and I am not trying to be discriminating. Many of them are 60s and over.Many of them retired already, so for some, this is like something they do. They are in this retirement mood. Also their age limits their ability. These are people who are rather stubborn with the old ways and hard to change.

They are not servers, they want to be served. They want to lead without serving. One example is with one of the old lady who was the deacon incharge of the church finance and for years, she was unable to report a complete financial report/account to the church. Nobody complained or was any blame put on her because of her status, seniority and connections.

Often in meetings, even very important church meetings, these few Oldies would make the decisions with little consultation of others in the committeee or even the pastors. For years they have been like this, having this supreme power and dominating every committees they are in and getting the decisions they want.

The good thing about them is that they know the tradition, procedure and rules of the church. They know how things should be done (even though they would break these rules sometimes to attain their own goals), but at least they know.

The second group is much younger, in their early 30s to early 40s with one exception. This group is led by a senior who is in his 60s and a founder of the church’s biggest fellowship, let’s call him Jon. Let’s call this group, the Newbies. They are the emerging power because their fellowship provides a lot of the manpower for many of the church’s ministries. For years they have been dominated by the Oldies and for some years a few of them think that by having many of them join th deacon board would change things around. They have been labeled as less mature and developed by some of the Oldies because they were basically on their own for many years with little mentorship and training by clergy staff. All of the pastors who pastored them have left including their favourite, who was the previous head pastor of the church.

It is true that they have a weak Biblical foundation but they have good reputation because they are very active in serving and are founders of the largest and probably most dynamic fellowship at church. They used to be the most open fellowship.

Their biggest problem would be their inexperience, spiritual immaturity, weak Biblical foundation.

Their problem is the lack of leadership and instead they found a very dominant person as their leader who is like their father.

The third group is a mixed bag. They are middle-aged, in their forties and is probably the more balanced with good understanding. The group is made out of professionals. They have with them more experience and spiritual maturity than the Newbies yet are more flexible and compromising than the Oldies.

They are, probably what the leadership of church should probably look more like.

Their problem is that they are not as unified and strong as the other two groups. The other two groups have dominant leadership and relationship that go back decades. So they try not to argue with the others, even when something is a bit wrong or not sound. That is the bad part. They try to avoid conflict and there’s a reason behind it because they do need to work together and if you don’t have to vote or the power to convince the other otherwise, might as well not fight it. I think that’s their logic which I understand.

I talked with one of them about what’s happening at fellowship, and one of them told me that even if I confront them about it, it wouldn’t do a thing.

They are more independent, but their strong Biblical principles give them better guidance than the other groups.

I downloaded a free book from Amazon on my Android Kindle, it’s When to Speak up and When to Shut Up by Michael D. Sedler.

It’s a good read and it is helping me deciding what to do with the whole spiritual abuse issue.

Mainly because of time and convenient, I went to two local church in my town the past two Sundays because of travel and too much work respectively. They both were better organized and structured churches than TC. I actually have visited several churches in the past few months and am considering a few that I might go to later. All of them, I consider to have sound teaching. The church I visited today was very convenient for me, just 10 minutes walk. That is very very attractive. The service was about an hour and there is an interesting Sunday school class. It is just so convenient. It’s a baptist church.

http://stress.about.com/od/psychologicalconditions/a/letting_go.htm

I think I want to be happy and not be sad about what happened. I want to move on, and I will find way to do that.

It’s hard to let go.

I am still angry, upset and disappointed, and it hasn’t stop. They have influenced my friends with the saying, “做返好自己, 按照神的心意去做.” It basically mean, don’t care about what others are doing, just be good yourself, according to God’s will. Literally it means, “go back in being good, follow God’s heart to do it.”

There are several problem with this thinking. Even before explaining the context, what the heck does this mean?  ”做返好自己, 按照神的心意去做.” So 做返好自己, does that mean you weren’t good before? You have to “return” or “go back” to being your good self?? Follow God’s heart to do it. Okay, great.

And what is the context and why are some of the leaders preaching this? They know they shitted. They know they did something sinful and wrong. 之前所有做錯的事或錯的概念, 讓它過去, 從今天開始做返好自己, 按照神的心意去做.

The whole line, literally means “The things that were done wrong and the faulty views, let them go (pass). From today on, return to being your good self after God’s heart.”

Of course they want it to pass, put it under the rug, forget about it, the sooner the better. That is the context. However, the poor kids don’t know what’s behind the scene.

However, have they stopped doing what is wrong? Have they stopped division, favouritism and etc? No. Are they still trying to control? No, no and yes.

I am still being excluded by some leaders. People are a bit afraid of me not because I am wrong but because of who I am. I wonder if they believe in the same God as I do. Do we believe in the same God?

I realize the this church and some of its people are driving me crazy and I need to either change myself or change the environment. I have contemplating this for a very long time and I am tilting towards changing the environment to give myself a break for the time being.

I think what I will do is be less involved in ministry at this church and only do what I enjoy. I will not force myself to do what I think might hurt myself or require much emotional strength. At the same time, I will be going to another church for godly Bible studies and sermons.

It’s heart breaking. Because it is unfair and unjust. I didn’t do anything wrong but I am treated as if I am a criminal to be excluded. I can see how people are creating a distance between me and them. People are afraid and I am limited too because what I am seeing is that they would actually try to influence the people I am close with. They are afraid of me probably telling the truth to them. I am under close watch. They are just crooked. They do not care about others’ but more about their status and power.

The sister, who is also a deacon, had said during baptism that “we are selfish…”. Damn right. They know what they are doing is wrong and that is why they are trying hard to hide it, put it under the rug. They are scare for the annual AGM. They scheduled the Family Meeting at a hideous at a date and time that many could not go.

In small group, one deacon’s wife said she was stressed about the upcoming AGM. And I thought to myself, “If everything was done right, with nothing to hide, why would AGM be stressful.”

Come to think of it, they are just so crafty and united to think of such good slogan.

“錯的概念, 讓它過去, 從今天開始做返好自己, 按照神的心意去做.”

The problem is, do they know what’s God’s heart is? They haven’t been doing that in the past, what would make them do that in the future?

Throughout this whole church episode, I realized that it allowed me to understand my dad a whole lot more than before. One realization I have recently is that I am even acting and behaving like him. I kind of caught myself as I were going through similar emotions and having similar behavioral pattern.

I wonder if we actually inherit personality and behaviors from our parents but I find myself being more like my parents, which is a scary thought.

The part with my dad is probably since I am going through something similar, that I feel like I am being betrayed by the people I love and served. There is anger, disappointment, sadness, grief, shock and probably a whole lot more. At the same time, this is causing depression and probably even brain damage because there was a time when I had a very hard time remembering things. According to a doctor I saw, I might be in depression.

However, the worst had gone, that forgetful phrase has passed somewhat. There was a phrase of at least a month when I was being quite forgetful at work. I was basically just down and depressed and distracted.

I wonder if my dad went through the same thing. He probably did and he’s much older.

As pastor, he showed and gave people a lot of grace but he didn’t get it in return from the people.

I can relate to that.

People ask me and I could taste the suspicion in their voice. “Why do you pick a seat by yourself? Was 28B taken?”

“It was taken when I tried to select it so I pick a window seat.”

I don’t know why I have answer these questions and I think I take a lot of craps like this and I usually react pretty nicely. Sometimes I do get a bit sick of being a bit too nice and calm to people when I feel like they don’t deserve it or when they are suspicious of me without proper reasons to.

It’s hard being the pastor’s kid even as an adult. There is just a lot of judgement and unwanted attention. I would be a lot happier, really, at church if I am not a pastor’s kid. The other thing is that it is very difficult for others to understand what’s going on with me.

Outwardly, a lot of people think I am playful, happy, a bit childish, naive, simple and immature. I seem to be childish and immature because I laugh, smile and like to make fun of others in a friendly way and make jokes. It’s my personality. I am expressive. I think people are kind of weird or abnormal if they don’t talk or be expressive with their emotions.

There was a time when I was kind of like that, being quiet and being very careful with what I say. I still do, but that’s another side of me. They just don’t know that behind this childish and playful behaviour is a massive amount of crap I have to hold within myself.

The thing is PK like me is that I know a lot of things about the church and its people. Yesterday I was talking about some church mates about ministry and fellowship. They would guess at why something happen or have their own insight to what was happening at church which are wrong and I would know exactly the reasons for those things but I can’t them, at least not yet.

I know the inside story but I can’t tell anybody. It’s hard for me to reveal to others about the ugly side of church, the church politics, the power struggles and fight and things that go on in the back.

I gave a few people my serious look when they asked about what was happening at church and when they asked me how I feel about my father leaving church. I learned to never mention names, but just keep things general.

I talked about it in a very professional way, and tried to keep a smile but in truth I am still angry and upset and disappointed.

I still have to correct their thinking. One sister said that the church shouldn’t be hiring so many clergy staff with the number of people dropping. She even told me that she considered leaving and joining another church. I told her that’s not good thinking, they should put more resource when a church is not doing well.

The background is how our church have been trying to hire pastors for so long with no results and now we have pastors like my dad and others leaving. This church has been overworking pastors and overburden them with responsibilities that affect their effectiveness in ministry. They couldn’t concentrate in one or two ministries and nurture a few fellowships.

Instead, they should hire more pastors if they want church to get better.